What the hell am I doing here?

I’m continuing my endeavour towards professional misery and one step ahead towards personal freedom. What a conundrum! All the efforts I’ve been putting in solving the ditch my life had become were like slow, erratic strokes in an unfinished dark self-portrait. I am officially on a quest towards becoming what I am: who am I and what is my mission and my purpose in life? I have some clues: since I was a small child I dreamed of becoming first an actor and then involved in creating movies, like a director or someone who could live the tails, speak the dialogue, and embody the magic, wow the viewer with the power of my creativity. My first great movie was ET. This movie touched me deeply, more than the story, actors and all the sobbing did. Made me realize that I wanted to go with ET, and become part of my story, my adventure. This evolved towards loving the idea of going inside the movies. Now it stays the same, only I try to create stories and imagine filming them and being happy all the time.

Another truth of mine is that I love paranormal stuff, more related towards life after death and also UFO lore. Looking at the stars and imagining being among them, the planets, immersed in the majesty of the universe, brings me peace, fulfillment and stillness. Sometimes I get the feeling that I am really not from this planet since I miss something in the sky which is beyond my grasp. Also that I am here for a purpose which I am still looking for…

One night I asked myself for some time, about my personal life at the time, separating from my partner towards divorce. I discovered that in my previous lives, many, many lives, I’ve been doing the same pivotal decision over and over again: to divorce or continue the marriage. I got the information that what I did in this lifetime is the correct choice for this life, meaning to divorce and go our separate ways. Love is not there any more, for me, to stay would mean to lie to myself and continue the path of previous existences. Did I choose correctly? Yes because there is no love in me and my being tells me so. What I decided, I decided by myself. No other energy, but my one. I listened to myself, quietly, and the answer was clear.

So, who am I and what am I doing on this life, my purpose? Still fighting every day to find out those magical answers. I need them. My soul cries for them. I have to keep trying. I have to do something…but I am scared of the future consequences of some decisions if they are incorrect. But I also know there are no incorrect decisions. They are all my decisions and therefore valid, because they are mine, only for me, what I want and need, not because of third parties or pressures. MINE. If I leave my job or be released from it, how can I pay all my expenses? I can’t leave my job because I have to face all the expenses surrounding me. But on the other hand I am not doing enough to pursue my life quest, at least start in the direction of what I think is my life quest, and at least start trying to answer the 2 questions.
I am…. I am….my purpose is….today I am a soul and my purpose is to fulfill my soul. Fulfill myself. It is a start….